Tell Me About Your First Time
by bubble-rouge08
Summary: [SMACked] Stella asks Mac about his first time.... NOT what you probably are thinking.
1. I Couldn't Even Swallow

**_A/N: Whee! I'm back, y'all! I'm a girl of my word so here's my latest offering: SMACked humor. Of course, since I'm still doing "Trapped", I can't help but be guttery about this one too._**

**_I hope you shower this little baby fic with equal love. Thank you and ENJOY!_

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**TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FIRST TIME**

**© CATE**

It was a particularly tiring shift that day. Two gruesome crime scenes in the same apartment building greeted the team of the NYPD CSI that morning. Not to mention two brutally raped and murdered young women in the middle of those crime scenes. Apparently the same person did the crimes: the same MO, DNA (but it wasn't on CODIS), fingerprints (again, not in AFIS), and they've extracted the same kind of fiber from both victims.

Mac Taylor split the team in two: Danny, Lindsey and Sheldon worked the bigger and messier crime scene of Kathleen Silver, 23, a student at Chelsea University. She lived alone on the 4th floor of the apartment building. She was found sprawled on her living room floor, with pools of blood under her head and between her legs.

The other team was composed of himself and his partner Stella Bonasera. They processed the scene on the 5th floor, 19-year-old Nicole D'Amato. The suspect gained entry to her apartment the same way in Kathleen's – he used an old ID to jimmy the lock. And like the other crime scene, the same body position, blood pools and place where the body was found.

Autopsy for those cases weren't easy. The usually iron-stomached Lindsey Monroe threw up as well as their homicide detective Flack, Jr. He really didn't want to go in the morgue and see the bodies up close again, but it's his responsibility to accompany the victims' families in identifying the bodies. He was sick for the remainder of the day and decided to stay in the crime lab instead of his precinct.

Yet no matter how grisly the cases were, investigation was cut short when Stella cracked the case and realized that the one who called in the crime described the scenes in great detail. When the team got there, the doors were locked. It meant that the caller was either a witness or the perp. They traced the call to the receptionist's desk. The killer/rapist was under their noses after all… the building's doorman.

Now that shift's ended and most of the team went on home, Mac and Stella headed to the locker room to call it a day. Mac invited her for a sit-down dinner – not in a dog show this time – not to mention a drive home. Stella couldn't pass up the offer.

In the locker room, they began to change out of their work clothes. They had their backs to each other the whole time until Stella suddenly said out of the blue, "Mac, tell me about your first time." She sat down on the bench wearing blue jeans and a tight shirt.

Mac almost dropped his service weapon when her statement sunk in. "Excuse me?" he said pulling his undershirt over his head. Stella repeated her sentence; he suddenly felt awkward standing before her topless. "_Stella…_" he started, blushing a bit.

"Aw, Mac, don't be such a perv," she laughed. "Tell me about your first time witnessing an actual autopsy, you green-eyed monster!" Mac let go of the breath he'd been unconsciously holding. "Did you honestly think I would ask you that question in _that_ context?"

Donning a fresh shirt, he answered, "Quite frankly, _yes_." She glared at him and laughed. He sat down on the other end of the bench facing her. "My first autopsy. Yeah, it was pretty normal. Nothing worth mentioning really."

She shifted on the bench, now straddling it. Mac had to swallow a lump that unexplainably formed in his throat. "When and where was it?" she innocently asked, twirling a strand of hair on her index finger, looking really interested. She tilted her head, awaiting his answer.

He had to look away from that image of her sitting there. "I can't remember exactly when that was but I'm pretty sure it was in Chicago. I was new at the job, just earned my Physics degree and at that time, I was dating a certain…" he paused and heaved a sigh, "I just met Claire." It was one of the reasons why he made himself forget the date. "Anyway, it was a shoot-out victim."

"And then what? Was there a lot of blood, spatter, fluids, gunk?" she continued to ask with wide eyes.

Mac decided to ride her drift. "Three GSW on the chest, left arm and well, buttocks," he answered, once again blushing a bit when he said the last word.

"You're such a prude!" Stella laughed out loud; it echoed around the locker room. "Can't say buttocks, ass, behind, back side without turning pink?" It was Mac's turn to glare at her. "Just continue, will you?"

He sighed but went along. "It was my last case as a trainee and my former boss decided that I need to see an autopsy being done before she sends me out solo on field. There wasn't much blood – just what you would expect from those kinds of situations. Although I got a little queasy when I heard the cracking of bones, flesh and skin when the ME pried the victim's chest open."

"So you didn't throw up?" she said, sounding a bit disappointed. He shook his head.

"I wanted to but my supervisor was there beside me and she's talking as if there wasn't a dead body in front of her. I didn't want to send the wrong message."

Stella scooted closer to him, still straddling the bench and said, "Is there any thing else you want to tell me about your _first time_?"

**CSINYCSINYCSINYCSINYCSINYCSINY**

"I just wanna go home, Danny," Detective Donald Flack, Jr. whined to his co-worker and friend, Danny Messer, CSI. "I wanna change outta these clothes, take a shower, and remove the stench of blood off my body."

"Well, ya wouldn't stink of death right now if ya jus' went on home when the chief asked you to," Danny said turning off the desk light and closing the evidence box. "Instead, ya stuck 'round longer. I told ya that we could handle it; Thacker was more than happy to cover your ass. Now quit complainin' – at least you only deal with that for a day. Switch jobs with me and let's see ya complainin'."

Flack pouted and said to himself, "Geez, I only said two sentences and he gave me five." He followed Danny – who was still blabbering – out of the layout room, through the halls leading to the locker room. "A'right Messer, shuddup," he said cutting him off. "I like to see the bastard caught. It made me feel better when it was I who snapped the cuffs on him and dragged his ass in jail," he was the one babbling now until he bumped onto the hard back of Danny in mid-sentence. "Danny, what the…"

"Shhh, _quiet!_" the CSI whispered with his finger on his lips. He was standing right beside the door of the locker room with a hand at his ear as if straining to hear something. "_Listen_." And Flack did.

"I didn't want to send the wrong message," Mac's muffled voice said from behind the door. Flack crouched down and placed his ear against the door.

"Is there any thing else you want to tell me about your _first time_?" Stella said. Danny's jaw dropped and his eyes were as big as saucers. Good thing the lab was almost empty for the day; they were crouched down by the door, obliviously eavesdropping.

The taller man whispered, "Did Stella ask Mac what I think she did?" Danny's facial expression answered his question.

"Nothing else happened, Stell," Mac answered. "Got in there, did the deed and got out. As simple and as uneventful as that." Stella's giggles followed.

"_What are they doing in 'ere?"_ Flack asked frantically. Danny kept quiet and brushed him off.

The two heard movement from the inside of the room and then Mac's seemingly amused voice asking, "How about _you, _Stella? How was _your_ first time?"

Danny's knees gave out from under him. Flack caught him just in time, preventing a loud noise that could interrupt the conversation inside. "Didya… did… ya hear that?" he whispered clawing at the detective's arms to get back to his feet.

"Loud and clear, Danno. Loud. And. Clear."

Just then, they heard footfalls towards them. The two detectives stood up straight and walked away from the locker room door to the water fountain. Danny's jaw was still on the floor; the initial shock of what they heard still stuck to him.

The person walking towards them was Adam, their trace guy. He saw the two and decided to chat for a few moments before heading out himself. In Flack's mind, he wanted to go back eavesdropping. "We're losing information here," he thought as Adam bade them goodbye.

After he rounded the corner, Danny and Flack scrambled back to their original position overhearing the tail end of the seemingly juicy conversation.

"_I had to spit out everything that came into my mouth," _Stella said in a high-pitched voice. _"I couldn't even swallow…"

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_So… how was it?_


	2. I Didn't Enjoy My First Time

**A/N: Hey guys! Sorry this one took so long. I wasn't really satisfied with the original ending I first did. After all the great feedback I got from Part 1, I owed you guys a better chapter. I hope this does it.**

_**Well, once again THANK YOU VERY MUCH for all the great reviews and feedback from each and every one of you. This is my first (and not the last) humor project and I'm glad that this one is a success.**_

_**Please enjoy this last chapter and watch out for another SMACKED fic (a seemingly very long one) from yours truly soon.**_

_**THANK YOU!

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"How about _you, _Stella? How was _your_ first time?" Mac asked Stella. She giggled some more.

"Goodness! How dirty this conversation sounds," she said to herself. "Why Taylor, you wouldn't ask a lady that," she said suggestively.

"Right back at you, Bonasera," he said ignoring Stella's eyelashes batting at him seductively. "So… give. When and where?"

She calmed down and said, "It wasn't as _nice_ are your experience. I wasn't even in CSI back then. I was a mere rookie, in the wrong place at the wrong time."

Mac sat back, willing her to continue.

"I was accompanying the victim's mother and sister to the morgue to see the body. My training officer…"

"The one that called you 'Toots'?" Mac interrupted.

She nodded. "Yeah, him. Anyway, the detective we were working with had to go because his wife's having a baby. So he told us what to do and flew off to Angel of Mercy. My good ole training officer decided that it would be fun to send off Miss Rookie Bonasera alone into the morgue while he watched through the swing doors."

"And then what?" he prodded, swinging his legs to one side and scooting closer to her.

"The women were distraught as it is. The victim's sister soaked my sleeve even before the ME lifted the sheet," she continued. "The mother almost crushed my left hand. The victim was her youngest daughter, sixteen, ran away from home about a year before. We found her beaten up, raped… _pregnant_ in an alley." She paused and held back tears as she remembered some of the details.

"We could stop if you're uncomfortable," Mac offered.

Stella waved him off, "Hey, I started it; might as well finish it." And Mac let her. "Let's skip that part. There was a CSI with us – Kent McLean. After seeing the body, the sister bolted but the mother stayed put, holding my hand in a vice grip. Of course, she demanded to know what happened and asked for an autopsy to be done right then and there."

"With her watching?" Mac asked getting very interested.

"Yeah… and well," she paused and chuckled, "she wanted me to be there right beside her. Imagine my _luck_." Mac smiled and let her carry on. "Apparently she's a registered nurse but she needs someone to hold her up if she collapses just in case. She was already squashing my hand so she didn't bother to let go. So the ME directed us to the viewing deck above the slab." Stella tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear.

"So how was it?"

She stood up and paced around. "It was very … uh, _messy_. Like you and back then, the victim's mother, I didn't have a cast iron stomach. I had to _spit_ out everything that came into my mouth," she said throwing her hands up. "I couldn't even _swallow_ the water that Kent offered me afterwards." He followed her with his eyes waiting. "There was _fluid _everywhere: blood, juice, _goo_…"

"Goo?" he started.

"Don't, Mac," she warned. "Don't go all forensic on me now. I'm serious. Back then, I didn't know _liquid_ could splatter so much. I threw up as soon as the first _spurt_ of that fluid. C_ame_ like a _river_, let me tell you."

"What kind of fluid, may I ask?" Mac said.

"Hell, I don't know. It was sort of clear and …" she searched for the appropriate term, "_gooey_." They both laughed. "It was horrible. I didn't enjoy my first time."

**CSINYCSINYCSINYCSINYCSINYCSINY**

"_I didn't enjoy my first time_," they heard Stella say.

The two detectives snooping outside stood in an uncomfortable silence. Flack removed his suit jacket and draped it over his arms to mask his crotch area… something that Danny didn't miss. As for the CSI, he regretted wearing tight pants to work that day. They couldn't believe what they just overheard.

Neither of them spoke right away… or _at all._ It seemed that they were frozen in shock. Until they heard the doorknob turn and Mac and Stella walk out catching a very puzzled-looking Flack and Danny.

"Are you guys okay?" Stella asked. "Looks like you've seen a ghost." She noted that Danny's jaw is practically on the floor. "You'll catch flies, Messer."

Mac stared at Flack and noticed that he was pale. "Don, feeling alright?" he asked placing a hand on the homicide detective's arm.

Flack jumped in response and said, "Yeah… we were uh, just headin' out."

"Okay then, we'll be on our way, too," Stella said prying her eyes away from Danny, who was still speechless, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down. "Don't stay up too late, children!" she said as she and Mac headed to the elevators.

"We won't," Flack replied, pulling Danny into the locker room. He sat a very robotic Danny down and made sure he's fine. "Do you have an extra towel, Messer?" The man in question nodded and pointed to the cabinet by the showers. Then Flack started to unbutton his shirt.

With what little coherency in his body, Danny mumbled, "What… what are ya doing Don?"

Shirtless and down to his boxers, Flack pulled out a fluffy towel from the cabinet and answered, "After what we heard, I need a shower. I dunno 'bout you, Dan." He proceeded on with his shower.

Danny sat there in silence. I didn't need a cold shower unlike Don did. He couldn't get the conversation out of his head but somehow, he has heard a conversation like that before. _Then it finally hit him._ "First time first autopsy!"

When Don came back out a few minutes later, Danny was still sitting on the same spot he left him. Danny pulled off his glasses. "Don?" he started.

"Yeah?" said Flack pulling on his clothes.

"How was your _first time_?" he asked in a flat voice.

"Ah no, don't think I'm stupid, Messer," Flack laughed while drying his hair. "I've figured out what they really meant."

The CSI laughed as well. "Good for you. If ya haven't, then you would've spent a much longer time in 'ere, am I right?"

Flack glared dangerously at him but mockingly punched him on the arm. "I don't think I can look at Mac and Stella the same…" he said with a snicker. "How 'bout you?" Danny shook his head.

"You haven't answered my question, Don," the CSI pressed on. "How was _your _first time?"

Before Flack could react, they both heard a thud coming from the outside. They glued their eyes on the door, which opened slowly, revealing a very surprised-looking _Lindsey Monroe_.

_**12/11/2006**_


End file.
